There comes a time in everyone’s life where you are compelled to sit back and take inventory of what is happening and make some decisions about what to keep, what to toss out and what to change.
Such is what is happening with my blog.
I’ve self hosted my blog for almost five years. Recently, I’ve been having issues with my server which in turn, really made it difficult for me to make posts. I could have worked around it, but it was a pain in the butt that made something I enjoyed (writing) into a chore.
I tried three different clean installs of WordPress, but the problem is with my host. I decided to temporarily move my blog to WordPress.com until the server issues are worked out.
At this point, if being here serves me better, then I may stay here for now.
Part of my fresh start is getting rid of the clutter and bloat. My blog and site were becoming both. When clutter and bloat are too big, it becomes overwhelming for me to deal with it.
Don’t worry, I backed up my posts. Right now, I’m more inclined to keep the best ones and my favorite ones.
“Best” is not necessarily how many people left comments. Best has more to do with the actual writing.
It was just over a year ago that I voluntarily checked into a psychiatric hospital because I started having thoughts about suicide that scared the crap out of me. While at that moment, I did not have intent or the means, I was scared that if I didn’t get help, those thoughts would become intent and then I would seek out the means to do it.
Those seven days and the following four week in outpatient therapy have changed my life in such a profound way. I can see it now, with a year between it happening and where I’m at right now in my life.
When you are in a place where you cannot leave or they won’t allow you to wear shoes with laces because you’re on “SP” (you may be suicidal) and you have to get a nurse to unlock your bathroom door because being SP means your bathroom door is locked so you don’t go in there and try to hang yourself, it gives you a different perspective. For me, the noise in my head became quieter as I went through that week and learned the coping skills I should have been taught as a child.
Boundaries was one of my big issues. I have boundaries and I have the right to enforce my boundaries.
I was taught two things about boundaries as I was growing up. One, that people who claim to be in some position of authority don’t have to respect your boundaries and if they want to trample on them, you let them. The second thing I learned was that because I had one parent who had no respect for boundaries, my boundaries were not worth defending. This is why, I believe, that I was picked on a lot while growing up. I was an easy target because I did not defend myself. I sat there and took it.
All I knew how to do was to sit and take it. I was never taught how to stand up for myself.
Boundaries are more than just emotional. I have boundaries regarding spiritual beliefs and boundaries about what I will tolerate. While I have no control over what others do or say, I have control over what I do or say and how I react to other people.
That is the the very core of personal boundaries and enforcing them.
Granted, I had to get to a place where I had enough confidence to say “no” to people and to worry about those things I can control. I realized that I’ve reached that place.
Besides the anxiety and depression, I’m also somewhat claustrophobic. I also have ADHD. All of these things interact and feed into each other and influence my behavior.
Remember when I said that we can only control how we react? When I learned what all of my various mental disorders do and how they interact with each other, that’s part of taking control of how I react.
You can’t fix something that’s not working properly until you understand how it works. That involves understanding how each part works both individually and with the other parts of the whole.
What does this have to do with my blog?
Since I’m no longer interested in blogging for a living or making money from it, I needed to pare down. When I tried doing the blogging for money thing, I took on things, tried things, and did things that, well, weren’t me. I don’t look at this experience as a waste or a mistake because it helped to remind me that I am at my best when I am comfortable in my own skin and that I will never be comfortable in my own skin when I’m trying to be something I’m really not.
I have a different philosophy in life now. Shedding the old and tired things that no longer serve me is something I need to do for myself. I hope that being true to me shows up in my writing.
I’m no longer considering a career as a writer. In fact, I will be returning back to school in the fall to study psychology. My goal is to work in the mental health field in some capacity and where I eventually end up will determine what course I take in graduate school.
Yes, I’m not even into my first semester of college and I’m already pondering graduate school. I don’t even know what my minor will be, either.
When I write, I want to come from a place of compassion, understanding and kindness. I’m still going to be funny, because, well, that’s what I do best. In an enviornment where you’re expected to find a niche and stick with it, I’m not a person who can be pegged down very easily. I don’t want to be pegged down.
While having a niche and calling yourself an “expert” at something may be good for page views, limiting yourself to one subject prevents you from learning new things. You don’t stop learning when you finish school. You learn every single day. I love learning and I embrace learning and I feel if I limit myself to one topic, I deny myself the opportunity to learn about the world around me.
So, change your bookmarks and your feed readers because this is my home for now. If or when that changes, I will let you know.
Little Cheesehead on the Prairie 