One of the major anxiety and depression traps I have to try and avoid is worrying about things over which I cannot control. I don’t want to say it’s always easy to do this, because it really depends upon the focus of my anxiety. It’s easier to make myself take a step backwards and get my bearings when the focus is on a thing or a situation. It’s not so easy when the focus is another person’s behavior.
Lately, I’ve fallen into this cycle of worry, depression and anxiety and I’ve felt this way since D came home from Gen Con. While he was in Indy, I was holding down the fort in Sioux Falls. And then I noticed a few things that I couldn’t notice if he were there.
D is overweight and I worry about that. He’s addicted to Coca-Cola, and I’m worried about that. We live on a third floor apartment and whenever he comes in the door, he’s not only out of breath, he breathes through his mouth even when he isn’t out of breath.
He’s had to get a CPAP for sleep apnea, which I believe is both age and weight related.
I’ve noticed, while he was gone, that I avoid wanting to cook healthier like I used to because if I do, it goes to waste. While he was gone, I ate more veggies than I do when he’s around.
I get the soda addiction because I used to be addicted to Mountain Dew. I rarely drink soda anymore.
In the middle of all of what sounds like a lot of complaining on my part, is this worry that one morning, I’m going to go into the bedroom when it’s 45 minutes past when his alarm went off and find that he died in his sleep. Or that he has a heart attack and he either dies from it. Or that he is diagnosed with diabetes and won’t do what the doctor tells him because he has to give up eating bread and other refined carbs and sugars.
What makes all of this worse is that I know that I’m catastrophizing things, but I can’t stop.
I love my husband. I wish he would take better care of himself. I have both unselfish and selfish reasons for wanting this.
I think my current meds have stopped working, too, but that’s easier to do than having a conversation I’ve had with him many times before.